


like flames, we never die.

by ElysiumDreams



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Drama, M/M, Romance, Swearing, post disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 23:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14758247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElysiumDreams/pseuds/ElysiumDreams
Summary: One familiar face brings back a million memories for Guanlin, and gives him one more chance.





	like flames, we never die.

**Author's Note:**

> jddjksksjd hello my friends! I am here to water the panwink tag again (thank you Penny uwu) I’ve had this in my drafts for like two months now, and truthfully, it only needed a few more words before it was complete but I never finished it because I’m lazy? Except Penny reminded me that I have it so I finished it off heh.
> 
> This fic mentions Wanna One’s d*sb*ndm*nt so if that makes you sad then here is your warning!
> 
> Also this fic is heavily based off of a VIXX fic I read a really long time ago. The author has taken it down already, but I really enjoyed it and it inspired me to write this, so I feel it’s only fair that I mention that.
> 
> Other than that, please enjoy!

Ten seconds is all it takes for Lai Guanlin to fall in love with Park Jihoon all over again.

It’s a quiet morning in the city; for the past two years, Guanlin has gotten in the habit of waking early and visiting the quaint, obscure cafe that’s only a few blocks from his apartment. He doesn’t like coffee, so he has tea instead. The waitress that serves him thinks it’s weird that he has tea with his pancakes, but she’s gotten used to his order, and no longer questions it when he comes in anymore.

This particular morning is cold. There’s snow falling outside, and every now and then, Guanlin will look up from his meal to watch it fall to the ground in a thin blanket of white. He’s never seen snow as pretty as this.

The cafe itself is quiet. That’s what Guanlin likes most about the early mornings, is that it’s always quiet enough for him to clear his mind, start the day off right before being thrust into the hectic schedules of his everyday life. Most days, he’s able to be out before the work rush begins, and on days when he’s not, he packs his things up quickly at the first sign of one, leaves before the gentle atmosphere becomes chaotic and loud.

He’s just finishing up his pancakes when the bell at the door rings, and a rather noisy, loud duo of customers arrive, interrupting an otherwise peaceful scene.

At first, Guanlin is irate. His brow twitches in annoyance, and he almost wants to curse. Couldn’t these brats be a little more respectful? It’s still so early in the morning, and even Guanlin himself at such a young age knows that no one likes this level of noise at such an early hour of the morning.

But then a sudden bubbly and bright laugh erupts, and Guanlin swears that the world stops spinning then and there.

He knows that laugh all too well. He’s heard it echo through his television speakers, and even worse, he’s listened to it ring in his ears, loud and cheerful for a whole 18 months, before Guanlin is left only with the memory of the sound, teasing him in the very back of his mind.

After all, Guanlin could never forget the laughter of the person who had once made his heart so incredibly full, only to rip it to shreds in the end: Park Jihoon.

Guanlin is afraid to look up, because looking up holds so much uncertainty. He hasn’t seen Jihoon in months, no, years. Nor has he heard from at all. Not a single phone call or text; back then, Guanlin had wondered if Jihoon had gotten a new number, or was simply ignoring him. Both options stung, but he chose to believe in the former; at least then there had been a sliver of hope that maybe Jihoon had just forgotten to give it to him.

Now, Guanlin knows that is not the case. Park Jihoon had dropped him from his life, and even now, as he stands only feet apart from him, Guanlin still isn’t sure that he wants him back in it.

The dark-haired boy swallows hard; his pancakes don’t seem appealing anymore. Instead, he fixates his attention on Jihoon as he places an order at the counter, paying for it right away. Guanlin notices the person at his side too; the person isn’t unfamiliar, he recognizes him as one of Jihoon’s coworkers, another actor on a show that he had starred in. As he smiles at him, Guanlin feels something bubble in his chest as he wonders what could be going on between the two. Sunwon, was that his name? Guanlin can’t be sure.

When he finally turns his head, Guanlin looks down. He doesn’t want to be caught, because as much as he’s missed Jihoon, as much as he’s dying to ask him how he’s doing, if he’s missed him too, he cannot bring himself to face Jihoon again. Not after all of those years, and not like this.

So, when Jihoon sits— in the booth right behind him, of course, fate wouldn’t have it any other way— Guanlin leaves. He slaps a few bills on the table before he leaves, wrapping his muffler around his neck and shoving his hands into his pockets. The doorbells signal his abrupt exit.

Just then, Guanlin had been suffocating. The sensation is unfamiliar; over the years, that cafe had been like a second home to him, and in mere seconds, Jihoon made him feel like an outsider, as if he was somewhere that he did not belong. He had to leave quick, and the moment that he finally steps outside, Guanlin feels as if though he can breathe again. It’s a bittersweet breath, however, and it feels toxic as it enters his lungs.

The air is cold, much colder than it is inside. But Guanlin does not care; rather he is grateful, and without looking back, Guanlin stomps home, trudging through snow, his heart feeling heavy in his chest.

—

Being at home does not make anything better.

Of course, his apartment is warm, that’s a plus. Guanlin strips off his outerwear immediately toes off his shoes before he’s dragging himself to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. A hot bath… That’s what he needs. He switches the faucet on immediately, hot water emptying into the tub and steam clinging to the mirrors in no time. When it’s full, he steps in, submerging his body into the the warm waters.

Over the years, he’s gotten taller. He’s no longer lanky and thin, but more statuesque; he has muscles, but not in a way that makes him look too built or too muscly, but shows that he’s grown quite a bit (both mentally and physically, he’d argue).

He hadn’t dyed his hair much back then either, but now, it’s something of a dark brown, recovering from the abuse of bleach as his scalp had gone through a multitude of colors following his redebut.

Perhaps the only thing that hasn’t changed are his feelings for Jihoon.

Scratch that— Guanlin is sure that they’ve changed too. Back then, at the tender age of sixteen, he had idolized Jihoon. Jihoon wasn’t simply a lover, but someone that Guanlin had held so high, he could not be touched. But Jihoon, like everyone else, was human. On occasion, Guanlin tended to forget this, and the toll it had taken on the older boy. Perhaps that had been one of the issues that had ended their relationship.

But Guanlin knows he’s not like that anymore. He understands that when Jihoon hadn’t been feeling confident, the proper words were not “ _you're Park Jihoon, you can do anything!_ ” Instead, Guanlin thinks he should have encouraged him more, let the older know just how much he believed in him— not Park Jihoon the idol, but Park Jihoon, the resilient, hardworking individual that he is.

He understands that whenever they argued, Jihoon was not always right. In fact, there has been several occasions in which Jihoon had been wrong. Yet Guanlin remembers backing down in every instance, reassuring him that he had been right, apologizing for the things that he hadn’t done.

Like when Jihoon said they shouldn’t be together anymore, exactly thirty days before their contract was set to end.

“ _We won’t be together like this anymore, so let’s end this now._ ”

Even now, the words still feel like knife wounds to his heart. But Guanlin hadn’t refused. No matter how his heart ached, no matter the tears that rolled down his cheeks, he could not argue with Park Jihoon. If Jihoon wanted to break up, then they would break up, and it was as simple as that.

But now is different. Now, if Jihoon had said those words to him, Guanlin would have fought to keep their relationship alive. Giving up on Jihoon shouldn’t have been that easy, he thinks.

Those days leading up to disbandment has been painful. Between eleven boys, emotions had been already been running high as it was, his breakup with Jihoon only made things worse. Secret glances had been stolen at Jihoon, as Guanlin pondered on how much he’d miss this, would miss seeing Jihoon’s glowing, beautiful smile everyday. Even if they were no longer together, Guanlin did not want to say goodbye to Park Jihoon.

The hot bath water helps to warm Guanlin’s cold body, and as he submerges deeper, he closes his eyes, knees knocking against each other as he slides down the tub. When he sinks his face into the water, it’s as if he’s suddenly drowning in the memory of Park Jihoon once again.

He remembers falling in love with Park Jihoon, nearly four years ago, the moment he saw him dancing for the first time. And he remembers courting him with sneaky little touches, playful jokes between the two of them, sealing everything with a kiss on the day that Wanna One had finally come together for the first time.

He remembers the first date, how hard it had been to sneak past their managers and avoid their thousands of fans that daily roamed the streets, just to get a bite of ice cream together. Guanlin had hated strawberry ice cream, but every time Jihoon offered him a taste of his, he’d accept without hesitation.

Then he remembers going on tour, how excited he had been when they had drawn sticks, only to be placed in the same room as Jihoon for the duration of their time abroad. In their downtime, they’d lie together in bed, giggling about the silliest things and sharing kisses every now and then. He remembers them getting so out of hand once that Jihoon had accidentally smacked his head against the headboard. They had laughed then until their lungs hurt, and long after that.

He remembers the jealousy— now getting a room to himself had been a loss more than it had been a win. Because while he was sleeping alone, Jihoon would laugh the night away with someone else, someone that Guanlin could not help but think would suit Jihoon much better than he ever could.

The arguments begin shortly after that.

They are petty at best; Jihoon not spending enough time with him anymore, or Guanlin being too clingy, Jihoon never being there for him when he needed him, or Guanlin complaining too frequently about things. It was too the point where the relationship almost seemed like a chore rather than anything remotely loving and caring.

He remembers the way that, in the midst of their final goodbyes, Jihoon had skipped over him, and that perhaps is what left the most painful scars on Guanlin’s young heart.

As he remembers Jihoon leaving, he re-emerges from the water with a heavy gasp, slicking his hair back and wiping water from his face. He shivers; the bath water is still warm, yet somehow, Guanlin has never felt so cold.

He steps out of the bath not long after that; it’s nearly noon, and Guanlin thinks he should definitely get his day started, despite the difficulties he’s faced much earlier in the morning. So he quickly dresses and heads out once more, keeping his eyes peeled for a certain round-cheeked hyung— just in case.

However, it seems that Jihoon is not the only former band mate that makes a reappearance in Guanlin’s life on this day.

Kang Daniel is as popular as ever these days. He hasn’t quite made his redebut yet, but with his popularity, Guanlin is certain he can still go a while without it, yet still main relevant. He’s still in every CF, and still guest starring on variety shows that Guanlin himself has never even been on. He wonders if the Kang Daniel craze will ever end, but still, he’s happy for his friend for still managing to be a topic of conversation after all of these years.

It’s rare to see Daniel on his own though. With the entire nation wrapped around his finger, Guanlin would expect manager escorts, lots of photographers following Daniel’s every move. Yet somehow Guanlin bumps into Daniel in the middle of the street and he’s alone, hands shoved in his pockets just like him, and a surprised look on his face just like him. Daniel hadn’t quite dropped all contact with Guanlin like Jihoon had, but it’s still quite a shock to see him so suddenly, Guanlin supposes.

“Lai Guanlin? Is that really you?” Daniel says, laughing to himself in childlike disbelief. Guanlin beams, nodding at the older male.

“Hello hyung.”

“Jesus, you’ve grown—..” Daniel comments, and Guanlin laughs himself, his ears turning red at the compliment.

“Thanks hyung… You look good yourself.” He smiles at the older, and Daniel just hums, staring at Guanlin like he isn’t really there, like he’s somehow just a dream, or a simply memory.

“Are you busy right now?” Daniel suddenly asks. “Let’s grab some lunch.”

To be truthful, Guanlin still isn’t in the mood to eat; not after the scene at the café earlier this morning. But it’s rare to get a moment with his ex-band mates, _especially_ when said ex-band mate is Kang Daniel. So he agrees with a smile, allowing him to lead their way to a rather modern-looking café. The interior is seemingly less cozy than his usual, in favor for a fresher, more youthful vibe. Guanlin feels suffocated by it, however. Rather than feeling relaxed, he feels as if he is being forced into a mood of buoyancy, optimism that he currently does not possess.

“You’re not gonna eat anything?” Daniel questions, raising a brow at him as he eyes the empty space in front of him, save a glass of water with a lemon slice in it. In contrast, Daniel has a rather delicious-looking sandwich in front of him and an iced tea. It looks appealing, but Guanlin doesn’t think he can stomach food right now.

“No, I’m not really hungry right now. Besides, it’s time to diet again… Comeback is soon,” Guanlin comments.

“Diet? You’re still as thin as ever— .” Daniel replies, and Guanlin gives him a scandalized look in return. “Kidding! You’ve put on some muscle.. But you’re still my favorite maknae Lin-Lin!”

Guanlin rolls his eyes at this, smiling as he stirs his water with his straw. “You only say that because you’re the maknae in your own group…”

Daniel chuckles, looking down without replying, as if he’s been caught by Guanlin with his words. For a moment, there’s silence, and Guanlin is content with it, but Daniel breaks that silence with a question he had been hoping not to hear.

“Have you heard from Jihoon lately?”

Guanlin’s heart sinks even lower in his chest; it’s as if every mention of the older boy makes instantly affects his mood. Daniel notices his reaction, and he looks as if he regrets asking. Still, to reassure him, Guanlin smiles, albeit bitterly, pursing his lips before he speaks.

“I still haven’t spoken to him since… since that day. But I saw him this morning.”

Daniel quirks a brow at that. “You did? Did you say anything to him?”

Guanlin shakes his head. “I have no reason to speak to someone who obviously doesn’t want me in their life.”

Across from him, Daniel frowns, setting down his utensils and leaning back in his chair with a sigh. Somehow, Guanlin feels like he’s being scolded for something, but for what… He isn’t quite sure. Daniel looks at him sternly, and his gaze puzzles him. “What?” he asks quizzically.

“Guanlin,” Daniel begins. “The last thing Jihoon ever wanted was you out of his life.”

Instead of clarifying anything, Guanlin only feels more confused, brow creasing as he stares back. “That’s not true…”

Daniel just shrugs, going back to his meal. “Okay,” he replies, but he sounds skeptical. “If that’s really what you want to believe. If you see him again, I think you should talk to him. I’m sure you’d be surprised at what he’s got to say.”

Again, Daniel isn’t making any sense. His nonsense makes Guanlin want to spit something clever back at him, like how he knows Daniel still has t mustered up the courage to confess to his own crush after all these years… But for now, he stays silent, stirring his tea in front of him with his straw.

“He won’t want to speak to me…” Guanlin says to no one in particular, staring blankly at his own glass.

Daniel sighs. “You know, your body may have grown, but you’re still as clueless as ever…”

Guanlin pretends as though he hadn’t heard the words, and immediately switches the subject, though Jihoon still lingers in the back of his mind.

—

After an hour or so, Guanlin and Daniel finally part; Daniel has a schedule to get to, so with a hug and a “don’t be a stranger anymore!” he watches Daniel leave before deciding to head home. It’s best to get some rest before his busy schedules start up again tomorrow.

It’s when he approaches the crosswalk that he sees a familiar figure standing there, the sight of him causing Guanlin to forget how to breathe entirely.

Jihoon is there with his hands tucked into the pockets of his coat. This time, Guanlin is certain that he’s seen him— he’s the only person on the other side of the crosswalk, and Jihoon is too.

 _Fuck_ , Guanlin thinks to himself. Even from this distance, he feels weak in the knees, his chest expanding, threatening to explode under pressure. Jihoon is staring at him like he’s seen a ghost. Years of memories flood back again, and Guanlin _just_ can’t do it. Maybe he can find another way home because he can’t bring himself to step foot on that crosswalk and cross paths with Park Jihoon again, he just _can’t_ —

In a panic, Guanlin turns on his heel, begins to walk away when—

“ _Wait_ —!”

The voice has Guanlin freezing on the spot. He’s too afraid to turn around even as he hears footsteps approaching, heavy as the trudge over the pavement. Only when a tired breath nears does he even dare to look around and meet the beautiful flushed and red face of a man he hasn’t heard from in years— Park Jihoon.

“Lai Guanlin—…” Jihoon speaks as he tries to catch his breath. Guanlin on the other hand doesn’t have the breath to speak, only stares at Jihoon incredulously, as if he takes his eyes off of him, he’s going to disappear once again.

Up close, Guanlin can see just how handsome Jihoon has really gotten over the years. His eyes are still bright and beautiful, and his lips still pink and just the slightest bit chapped. But he’s slimmed down somewhat in his cheeks, no longer has baby fat, but sharp cheekbones and a jawline that Guanlin suddenly has the urge to run a finger along. As he stands straight, he can see that he’s grown a few inches too, but still not nearing his own taller stature.

His voice sounds the same too. Still sweet and gentle, the same as he had sounded all those years ago.

Guanlin just continues to stare as Jihoon blinks up at him.

“What?” Jihoon begins, offering a smile that melts Guanlin’s cold heart. “You can’t offer a hello to your hyung? It’s been years, you know.”

And Guanlin wants to scream. Because it’s not his fault that he hasn’t spoken to Jihoon since disbandment, it’s not his fault at all. But it’s Jihoon’s fault, and to suddenly have the blame pinned on him again, even after all of these years… Guanlin can’t help but to frown.

“You were the one that changed your number,” Guanlin replies bitterly, looking down at the ground.

At that, Jihoon’s mood drops, and he suddenly looks down too. Perhaps in the past, Guanlin would have felt bad for upsetting Jihoon, but he’s grown now. Not everything has to be his fault anymore, nor does everything have to be about Jihoon.

“I’m sorry…” Jihoon apologizes. He lets out a pitiful laugh, and Guanlin looks up at the sound. “I shouldn’t have done that.. I’m really sorry. I don’t expect you to accept my apology either but… But it’s just nice to see you again… How have you been?”

Guanlin wants to answer honestly, but there are just too many feelings that he can’t convey. “Good,” he finally says, ignoring the former’s apology. “I’m doing good. I watch your dramas occasionally. You’re really good at acting, hyung.”

Jihoon’s face brightens at the words, like a little kid being praised for finally learning to tie his shoe for the first time. The smile that graces his features makes Guanlin’s heart thump. “You’ve been watching? Really?”

Guanlin nods. “Of course. Have to support my favorite hyung,” he says, though there’s no enthusiasm apparent in his voice. Jihoon chuckles awkwardly, but he smiles anyways, humming in response.

“Ah… I’m glad then…”

There’s a long silence after that. Guanlin wonders if Jihoon will finally let him cross, go home so he can have yet another hard time dealing with the influx of feelings that overwhelm him every time Jihoon comes around. But then Jihoon speaks up again, and Guanlin blinks in surprise.

“Is your number still the same?”

Guanlin hadn’t expected that. He wonders if the shock is apparent on his features as he looks up at Jihoon and nods slowly in response.

Jihoon grins, then flashes him a thumbs up. “I’ll call you then!” Without another word, he makes like he’s going to leave— Guanlin doubts that he’s actually going to call— but then he stops, turning back around with a call of his name.

“Guanlin!” Guanlin looks up at him again. The older has this look in his eye— it’s warm, sparkling, the same look that Guanlin had fallen in love with all those years back. Now, it threatens to bring heartbreak and pain.

“Yes, Jihoon-hyung?” Guanlin says, voice barely above a whisper. The words the other says longer in Guanlin’s mind all the way back home.

_“Yes, Jihoon-hyung?”_

_“You’re just as beautiful as I remembered.”_

—

Guanlin wakes by his phone that night.

He knows he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be expectant like this, and he shouldn’t have hope that after all of these years, Jihoon really wants to reconcile with him. It’s not realistic, he tells himself.

Still, at exactly 10:53 PM, he finds himself lying on his bed, staring at his phone that’s exactly centimeters away from his face on the comforters. It’s face down— Guanlin is too scared to watch the screen light up.

Seconds continues to tick by. Minutes. After a while, Guanlin tries to convince himself that this truly is hopeless, and he should just call it a night.

Then at exactly 10:59 PM, the phone rings.

Guanlin jumps. No. It can’t be. He lets it ring one, two more times before he finally flips the phone over, mustering up the courage to look at the screen, and….

_Incoming call… Unknown number._

It has to be him, Guanlin thinks. It has to be.

So he picks up, pressing the phone to his ear as he flips onto his back and stares at the ceiling. His heart pounds at a million miles an hour, and he struggles to speak clearly.

“H-hello?” he stutters.

“ _I missed you._ ”

Guanlin smiles softly.

“I missed you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> actually what the hell is this
> 
> PLEASE TALK TO ME ON CC I NEED FRIENDS: https://curiouscat.me/wannabyui
> 
> uh it’s kinda hard to make friends on CC so add me on twt too (just tell me who you are so I know to follow back—): https://twitter.com/wannabyui


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